Firstly, one of the best put-downs ever for charity muggers in the high street:
"'scuse me, do you want to give money to Cancer Research?"
"Sorry, I can't, mate. I'm a Leo."
Yesterday at work we had a power outage due to some local prats stealing copper wire from the nearest sub-station (I'm still genuinely unsure whether to laugh at their stupidity or praise their bravado). Not only was the power out at work but the big four way road junction lost all power to the traffic lights as well. Four hours without traffic signals and not one blasted accident was disappointing, but my colleagues made up for it.
"I can't believe all the power's gone out!" said one, who wasn't the sharpest bulb in the toybox. "Will the buses still be running?"
A collective pause amongst our team. Was she really stupid enough to say that?
"That's a good point Alayna, I hope the power cut doesn't cause the sun to go out too!"
"And that postman down there! Will he still be able to deliver letters with the power out?!?"
She's not yet lived it down. But then again, stupidity yesterday wasn't limited to our end of the telephone:
"I'd like to complain about this Vision service!"
"Ok then, I'll get you through to the right people in a mo, what don't you like about it?"
"It's made my TV go all funny!"
"Well, yesterday me and my wife sat down to watch a film that some friends had recommended to us, and as soon as we watched it all the colour drained from our tele, except for the odd bit!"
"Which film was this?"
My hand moved to my mute button so far you'd think it had food on it.
"Sir, had you not seen that film before?"
"Sir, the film is supposed to be in black and white, with the odd splash of colour - from memory the scene with the girl in the red dress, and also the flame on a candle. It's not a problem with the service, it's the cinematography of the film."
"I bet I'm the stupidest person you've spoken to today, aren't I? Please don't make any notes about this on my account!"
"Of course not sir, and honestly, you're not nearly stupid enough to make it into today's blog." (I lied.)
And the lovely journalists at the Sheffield Star are up in arms about the fact that a Google search for Francesca Anobile (the straight-A student who didn't realise sled + fence = death) brings up Sickipedia as the fourth highest link. Their forums are up in arms (those of them that have arms anyway) about the fact that people are making light of such a tragedy. I wonder how many of those readers have ever laughed at or passed on a black humour joke themselves?
On a similar subject, I put it here in writing that if I do die in a public way and people make funny jokes about me, please for god's sake post them on here/my Twitter/my Facebook page. Find the fun!