Tuesday, July 01, 2008

One of those moods...

Today I was in what has been termed my "Thrush" mood - in that, while in said mood I'm an irritating c**t. For example.

Case I:

"Good morning, you're through-"
"Why isn't my broadband working?!?"
"Good morning," I repeated more forcefully, "you're through to James at Sales, can I take your order please?"

The smarter ones of you may realise that I'm in the sales department, and don't generally deal with fixing things. This fella didn't.

"Why isn't my broadband working?!?"
"Solar flares."
"Well, you'd better- what?"
"Solar flares. Violent explosions of electromagnetic radiation from our nearest star, in this case the sun. It's been known to disrupt the flux capacitors at the exchange."
*ding* Dummy mode on.
"It's been proven recently, under Tennant's theorum. It's why there's less bees around lately."
"Ah yes, I've noticed that!"

By this time those waiting for calls (almost everyone in earshot) had started to listen in and conceal giggles.

"Of course, it could just be due to dryness on your mains socket. Have you got something to moisten them with?"
"Er, like what?"
"Well, something protruding, that's generally usually damp?"
"Oh, I could use my tongue!"

It was at this point my colleague with a conscience slapped me round the back of my head and told me to behave.

"Yeah, that might work. I'll tell you what, why don't I get you through to broadband service, they might be able to help?"
"Oh yeah, I was going to go to them first, but I thought sales might be better."

I transferred him. Electrocution's too good for them.

Case II:

I'm riding home, enjoying the sun but hungry. Anxious to get home and have my bangers and mash. I pull up behind someone in a Ford Ka at a roundabout - the car in front of her moves off, there's a clear road ahead but she's not moving. She's staring at her lap. Peeking through her rear window I notice she's texting, so I beep my horn.

She jumps, flings her phone into the passenger seat, moves off and sticks two fingers up at me through her window. Big mistake. I follow, knowing what the Canterbury ring road is like at half five on a weekday evening. The other side of the roundabout she pulls up, the traffic ahead isn't moving, and I decide to have a little chat, so pull up next to her and rap on her window with a coin I happen to keep in my jacket for such an occasion.

Without looking at me she starts to do the window up. I put my gloved hand through to stop her. She goes white. I motioned for her to move the window back down.

"Hello there!"
"What was all that about then?"
"What was...what about?"
"You making that offensive gesture out of the window at me. It really hurt my feelings."
"Wha..oh...well, you tooted at me!"
"Have you got a copy of the Highway Code there?"
"Do you know it that well?"
"Well, let me tell you what it says. It states that you should only use your horn to alert other road users to your presence."
"And I was alerting you to the fact that you were in my FUCKING WAY AND STOPPING ME FROM GETTING MY DINNER! Understand?"
"I suggest you pay more attention to the road in future. Good day."

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