Friday, May 02, 2008

A letter to London

Good evening, London.

I thought it time we had a little talk. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...I suppose you're wondering why I've called you here this evening. Well, you see, I'm not entirely satisfied with your performance lately...I'm afraid your work's been slipping and...and well, I'm afraid we've been thinking about letting you go. Oh, I know, I know. You've been with the company a long time now. Almost...let me see. Almost ten thousand years! My word, doesn't time fly? It seems like only yesterday...I remember the day you commenced your employment, swinging down from the trees, fresh-faced and nervous, a bone clasped in your bristling fist..."Where do I start, sir?" You asked, plaintively. I recalled my exact words: "There's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there, youngster," I said, smiling paternally all the while. "Get sucking."

Well, we've certainly come a long way since then, haven't we? And yes, yes you're right, in all that time you haven't missed a day. Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Also, please don't think I've forgotten about your outstanding service record, or about all of the invaluable contributions that you've made to the company...Fire, the wheel, agriculture..It's an impressive list, old-timer. A jolly impressive list. Don't get me wrong. But...well, to be frank, we've had our problems too. There's no getting away from it. Do you know what I think alot of it stems from? I'll tell you...It's your basic unwillingness to get on in the company. You don't seem to want to face up to any real responibility. To be your own boss. Lord knows you've been given plenty of opportunities... We've offered you promotion time and time again, and each time you've turned us down. "I couldn't handle the work, Guv'Nor," You wheedled. "I know my place." To be frank, you're not trying are you? You see, you've been standing still for far too long, and its starting to show in your work.

Really, its not good enough, is it? And its no good blaming the drop in work standards on and management either...though to be sure, the management is very bad. In fact, let us not mince words...The Management is terrible! We've had a string of embezzelers, frauds, liars, and lunatics making a string of catastrophic decisions. This is plain fact. But who elected them? It was you! You who elected these people! You who gave them the power to make your decisions for you! You have encouraged these malicious incompetents, who have made your working life a shambles. You have accepted without question their senseless orders. You have allowed them to fill your workspace with dangerous and unproven machines. You could have stopped them. All you had to say was "No." You have no spine. You have no pride. You are no longer an asset to the company.

Any parallels between the Conservative government and the fascist Norsefire from V for Vendetta are purely coincidental. Honest.

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