The candidates and their vote totals:
* Arthur J. Smith (SENSIBLE) - 30,612
* Jethro Q. Walrustitty (SILLY) - 32,108
* Alan Jones (SENSIBLE) - 9,112
* Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel (SILLY) - 12,441
* Kevin Phillips-Bong (SLIGHTLY SILLY) - 0 (nought)
* Mr Elsie ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzOOP (SILLY) - 26,317
* James Walker (SENSIBLE) - 26,318
* Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, then 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-drawers Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mainwaring (hoot, 'whoop') Smith (VERY SILLY) - 2
* Engelbert Humperdinck gains Barrow in Furness from Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband Pip.
* Mary Whitehouse taking Umbrage, which the presenter claims will cause a bit of trouble.
* Not a result as such, but Arthur Negus holds Bristols.
* Wales isn't swinging at all; no surprises there.
With grave apologies to the Monty Python team.